Wednesday, December 31, 2014

New Years Eve... musings of a Silly Villian

People watching. The night is still young and I am enjoying a drink as I watch the clock turn to zero for midnight. There appears to be alot of couples out and about tonight which doesn't surprise me, not the least. Midnight shall come and pass as it did the year before.

As I sit here and reflect, I didn't want to stay in a room filled with my hobbies and memories, more so my memories. I lament on the fact that I choose to sit alone tonight. There won't be any new years eve fun except to vicariously live through others via observation. Yes, that does slightly creepy, but the night is still young and more mayerial to laugh at. Cynical I know. Before me, the table contains accessories to ring in another year in hopes to usher in a better year than the last. How appropriate.

So lately I have been applying the saying and making attempts to live it. "Today is defined as the present, a gift, so cherish every moment of it. Tommorrow is unknown, the frontier, have yourself an adventure no matter the size of it for life is too short not to have one." Time is a slave to eventuality, it will end. How will you make your mark on this world? 2014 is coming to its end, how'd did you make your mark, Hiro?

I have created what at this time can be called as lasting friendships with a handful of people. I have explored and braved head first into the wilderness of my life leaving responsibility to a flip of a coin. Literally. I  even discovered my spirt animal, a goat. I've even traversed through a myriad amount of states; each bringing it's own experiances. I know I am definately paraphrasing my adventures, but I am making an attempt to keep some material for a later date. That is something someone once told me, "always leaven them wanting more." Whether or not I am accomplishing this or not is left to the the reader.

The music rages and I am being lost in my own thoughts.  The ribs are zesty and the Scotch, well beggers can't be choosers, is decent. Although the meat is getting cold, I am making the best of the situation that I have placed myself it. The corner provides me the best avenues of observation and stalwart safety. Although there are known security within the establishment that I am currently in, the air of enjoyment on the rocks remains all smiles amongst the melting pot of individuality. Again the music continues to rage on.

So now I am escaping the trappings of background noise. The calling of the taste of nicotine and menthol is compunding. My anxiety increases with the conversations that surround me. The allure of my handheld firestarter known as a lighter flickers with the dance of dangerous temperature. Minutes begin to tick as the clock turns to birth a new year. As I write this portion of my musings, the amount of excitement and anticipation climaxes to its eventual demise. 2014 draws her last breathe. The seconds tick and with a roar of gleeful smiles, 2015 is born.

Monday, December 29, 2014

KCCO and beyond

It's a few days after Christmas and well I live through the soundtrack of my life. Much like every soundtrack, it has to end. Everyone is on a timer whether they want it or not.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Sheep in Wolf's Clothing PT 4 and 5

Yeah talk about a serious error. You see my life is going through extensive changes. Plans are never definate despite how desperately we all try to make them out to be. It's just disappointment waiting to happen. So I did not hit save and publish last night on my latest blog and so it may look like I am missing a day when in actuality I am not.

It was pre Christmas eve night and I stayed in my room towards the end of it. My day was spent dreading the future slightly.  It was filled with classes and various events all involving 5 he same concept of leaving the service. It's a major change and I am fearing it. Fear as I have stated before is a killer to motivation and accomplishment.  My outlook did not appear postive, but I realize I am only looking ahead 5 steps rather than 20 steps ahead of it. With my given situation, it is very difficult to look further out than 5 steps. One can dream though.

So I got my dates when I am leaving the service that is this man's army. It's been an amazing ride though and I have to admit that. When it comes to my last day, I'll let you know if Hemingway was right.

I know I have missed two days of posting my blog, but it's been a crazy two days. Went from Christmas Eve to just Christmas. I did not do what I really want to do or get what I really want for the holidays. No its nothing tangible or something with a monetary tag on it. To simply coin it, "I miss my daughters." Everything is so meaningless in comparison.  I am a family man in most regards and I am a father. I love my girls wholeheartedly despite what it may appear to some. I vow to make it up to them, but I fear that I may not be able to.

It's the holidays for Pete sakes. It's cold and well this pretty much sums it, the picture with the bird.

Despite my social butterfly attributes of themask I portray, I do feel as though that I deserve to be alone. No one should be burdened by my baggage. It's a pretty hefty load that I believe is mine to bear. 

I am a sentinel, the warden of the darkness. I belong in the shadows fighting for humanity. Martyrdom is the word I use for this thought process. Get too close and you'll feel like Icarus.  If you don't know the tale, well Google it.

There has been a lot of reflection and even more reflection after that. I that what this blog is for and well as you continue to read this, thank you for reading a synopsis of my life. I feel as though I shouldn't edit this blog  for Grammer or structure due to that perception of sharing my reality. Life is raw and unedited and thus my writing will depict that. I am a sheep afterall.

So at the moment I have one percent left on my battery life and I'm hitting save so I can continue sharing. Forgive me dear reader, but hello my friends and strangers call me Hiro and I and going to profess my thoughts here. 

Monday, December 22, 2014

Sheep in Wolf's Clothing PT 3

So far after reviewing my previous blog, I did sound incoherent and bounced everywhere. Perhaps I shouldn't write immediately after I wake up or when it is late. It's pretty interesting though as I read what I wrote. So to progress my blog I'll finally explain why I titled this series of five parts as Sheep in Wolf's Clothing.

I would consider myself as a sheep without a shepard. As my previous post read, I didn't really explain the title. I mean I kind of did, but it didn't read well. So back on topic, to me a sheep is someone who is innocent and gullible.  It's a description for an individual that wears their heart on their sleeve; which at times I have to admit I lean towards. Sheep can easily be persuaded and lead to either green pastures or those that wander from the group are easily engulfed in an ominous  end. I find myself admit the latter, so in order to survive I must adapt and wear the skin of a wolf.

Wolves are classified as an alpha, beta, or omega. Alphas lead the pack and betas follow the pack. Omega perform the same duties as a beta wolf, but get the scraps and are the last to do practically anything. I decided to wear the skin of an omega. It fits me as a sheep in the pack of vicious, strong human beings. Yet it has its advantages. One such advantage can be simply placed with one word, "underdog."

I try to stay under the radar so that the pack cannot see the fresh meat amongst them. Still my presence as a sheep can be noticed at times. It's a game changer, the scent of me is around, but I have learned to mask that part of me and show my teeth. I gnarl, growl, and fight unlike my sheep brethren.  I must continue up this mask to protect a fate of being ripped to shreds by the pack.

I am lost amongst the pack of wolves and tainted to the point of no return. My false teeth has tasted blood and flesh. I gaze upon my reflection and see this animal that differs exponentially from the inner sheep. I can't go back the life of a sheep and it's true what they say in undercover police shows that I've gone too deep. The sheep side of me is the Donnie brasco, the guy from avatar. It scared me to death to come to that conclusion.

So what next for this sheep? Where do I go from here? I am definitely a millenial-esque sheep. I can say I am a pacifist, but then how long do I have leve left in this world? Being such a sheep has brought me nothing but heartache and loneliness. It'll be never be over because I have yet to impact a slight dent to the world, to this world.

It's huge to know that at I am but a cog in the wheel of life. So what do you consider yourself to be, a sheep in Wolf's Clothing or a wolf in sheep's clothing? The basis of that may surprise you.

I hope that I articulated that better than the previous blog posts. Day three is done and so thus continues my journey. I hope yours has been productive these days and if not, make it productive. Life is too short.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Sheep in Wolf's Clothing PT 2

Outstanding, well withstanding many outcomes in the processes of my life. Idealistic view on the world has changed, ebbing the streaming waters of my own adulthood. The grounds are fertile and the grass is green. The baby blue sky gently wraps its blanket with the warmth of the sun as she smiles on me amidst the puffy clouds. Life is beautiful, but to remain continuous with the theme of the series I am currently writing; I must be slightly daft and jaded.

It never ends, I woke up this morning with no hangover but my room states the opposite. I just thrown some garbage and paperwork piles up on my makeshift desk. My bed is a futon, rarely even turned to its bed form and my refrigerator is empty. Half eaten chicken and barely any ramen left. So much for 4 days till Christmas. My tea kettle is empty as well, lacking water, but I should change that. I get up and look at the mirror; see my reflection, sadness engulfs me. A torrent of emotions turns my soul into the perfect storm.

Raging waters, twenty stories high, beats the beaches of my Armored and steeled heart. Light streaks through the sky and she screams with a roar of thunder in her wake. Gosh, I need a vacation. Its definitely making sound daft . So I decided to share a few of my rules that I have adopted throughout the years. The light bulb has hit me.

Rule 1: Be Responsible

Rule 2: Be Kind

Rule 3: Be Honest

Rule 4: Enjoy Life

Rule 5: If all else fails or no answer can be found, confer the rules in reverse. From here on out.

That's pretty much the bare minimum of my rules. How it goes from there can differ in a multitude amount of ways, but that's the legist of it. 5 very simple rules I try to go by on an everyday basis.
Pretty much this is a glimpse on the next series after this "Sheep in Wolf's Clothing."

So what does it mean to be a sheep in wolf's clothing? Its a term I like to define as an ability to protect and shield myself from this world. I've become jaded and slightly bitter in terms of relationships. I am sick of the games and the mixed signals someone sends in life. I hate poor choices but then again I make them on a near constant basis. Call me judgmental and bias on my self reflected view of the state of things. In all honesty this seems like a continuous whine session.

Last night, I pretty much said fuck it. Get out there and quit being such an introvert. I am not going to die a failure and failure equates to one simple fact; the lack of actions taken. In fact failure can be easily achieved really quickly by doing nothing at all. Fear is the embodiment of failure with the guise of protection and self preservation. I am not saying all fear is bad, it'll save your life. Yet it may not even save another person's life, but I digress. All I am saying is, I just said fuck it with nothing to loose.

So I went out with my friends and the intent of having a decent conversation with a stranger. I brought out the charming smile and the smug attitude. Yes smug, I pictured a too smart for himself asshole who thinks low of everyone and applied slight attributes to borderline the term douchebag. Believe it or not without going to immense detail, it bloody worked. Then when the nice guy attributes came out, my normal attributes. It didn't. What the hell? Seriously? Is it some kind of condition you all have to try and turn a piece of coal into a diamond. Screw it, I like being safe and I feel as though I am a failure through inaction. The heart strings in me are all strung out or is that acid reflux?

So I have been watching a lot of Christmas slash chick flick romantic movies that have aired over the past three decades. Its pathetic, but you know its okay. I got ramen on the pot, so well I'll continue this on.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Sheep in Wolf's Clothing PT. 1

4:11 p.m., the start of my blog. Something to regurgitate my thoughts to the digital landscape. Perhaps I am one shitty writer, but its a blog so that should provide me with some leeway rather than type my thoughts within the Status of my Facebook page. Funny, I started this blog at 4:11 in the afternoon. So down with the 411. I suppose I should have some origin story since I love comics, anime, video games, and the like. Origins is what the protagonist starts. How he or she becomes the hero of the tale. On the other hand, I tend to jump around as well so there is no continuity of my story.

Well first of I was not born in the United States. If you know what it means when I mention the pearl of the orient, the country of a 1000 islands, well you know my place of birth. I grew up in a loving home with my family, a large family, a very large family. Without going into much detail, I grew up as a Chicagoan, the Windy City. I grew to adopt the term native Midwesterner, well not so native. I loved the city life, the gritty city life. Nowadays I miss public transportation and just simply going out. I miss the food, especially the food. I miss everything about it like the smell of the taste of Chicago. I barely have any support where I am at currently. I can count only a number of people equal to the digits on my hand that can safely say are at my corner.

The state of things makes me wonder and reflect on my past life. The past, its often viewed with regret but never or hardly ever viewed with a momentous smile screaming across your face. I am such a fool, a jester in my own rough draft that is my life. As my fingers continue to peck at the keys of my laptop to transfer my thoughts on digital parchment, various emotions rush through me. They can simply define as anger, sadness, disappointment, happiness, joy, and being lost. Yes I am lost. Lost in transition, lost in life, lost with myself and amongst others. I am a sheep in wolf's clothing. Yes I consider myself a sheep.

Its humorous to me now, but back in high school and infact as much as a last night I am still that. A sheep in wolf's clothing. Its Saturday and I am about to go out amongst friends who I watch their back for. Perhaps I am a Shepard dressed like a Sheep in wolf's clothing. Perhaps.